IS MARRIAGE FOR HAPPINESS

If marriage is for happiness, then only the married will be happy.

You will be frustrated if you always expect to find happiness from your spouse. Marriage is not a store for happiness where you walk in sad and find happiness. This is so for two main reasons: Your spouse is not the source of happiness. This means he or she may not always have it. Only the source of something can always have that thing. Secondly, your spouse is also a seeker of happiness. Seekers often use, first, what they seek and have before they share with others. There is a time when your spouse may not want to share it.

Many people expect to be happy in marriage. A phrase like “they live happily thereafter” is a popular saying. Such people can ascribe their unhappiness to marriage. They might divorce and remarry thinking the new partner will give the desired happiness. You are on a long journey of frustration if that is your goal.

Consider these questions: In your journey from birth to the present stage, which part gave you the complete happiness you needed? Did your parents make you happy (without offending you in any way)? What about your siblings? When you were planning the marriage, did you desire to leave home so that they would not bother you again? What about your teachers in school, did you get happiness from them? What about your friends? Have they given you happiness? To be honest, you will admit that none of these stages before marriage gave you full happiness. So why do you blame marriage for your unhappiness?

You need to reconsider your search if you are not happy in marriage. Were you happy before it? If no, then don’t expect it to make you happy. It can lead you to where you can find happiness, but happiness is not restricted to marriage. The question that may be bothering you is, where then can I find happiness? Or who will make me happy? If you need the happiness that no one will take away from you, then you need to find it in Jesus and share it in marriage and other places. Your spouse cannot take away your happiness if Jesus is the source. Since Jesus is the source of happiness and not a seeker, it means there will be no time when He will not give it to you. Jesus says, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid” (John 14:27 NIV).

Your spouse can injure you and try to make life miserable for you. He or she will succeed if you treat him or her as the source of your happiness. However, if you are focusing on Jesus for your happiness, your spouse may try, but not succeed in frustrating you. He or she does not have the ‘remote control’ to change the ‘channel’ of your happiness.

Your main question for the meaningful marriage should change from what can I get out of it, to what can I give to it, or how can I share Christ’s happiness or love for God’s glory?

If a woman asks God to change her husband from drinking alcohol, smoking cigarette and beating her. If God answers her prayer, the man will no longer drink alcohol, smoke cigarette or beat her, but he may still not be a loving husband. This is not meaningful progress.  She has only received a little. The man is still dangerous to live with. However, if she prays that God should help the man know Him, the man will become better and the woman will enjoy him well when he has the right relationship with God. The focus is on your spouse having the right relationship with God. That will lead to happiness in your home. A friend told me he had prayed that God should keep his wife for him, but God corrected him that it was a wrong prayer. The right prayer is that God should keep the wife for Himself.

Gary Thomas explains, “…some of us ask too much of marriage. We want to get the largest portion of our life’s fulfillment from our relationship with our spouse. That’s asking too much. Yes, without a doubt there should be moments of happiness, meaning, and a general sense of fulfillment. But my wife can’t be God, and I was created with a spirit that craves God. Anything less than God, and I’ll feel an ache.” (Sacred Marriage, p. 25-26, 2000).

There is no way you can share genuine happiness in marriage if you don’t know Jesus. Accept Him as your Lord and Saviour and then you will be in a better position to have and share genuine happiness. You should also encourage your spouse to get the happiness you are sharing from the Source, and then cross share with you in marriage.

(A chapter in the book, THE MEANINFUL LIFE, by Pusonnam Yiri)

Pusonnam Yiri

Theologian- Journalist- Entrepreneurs